I wonder sometimes why I was born and given the life…. Am I one of the lucky ones or am I one of the unlucky ones? I suppose it depends on which questions you are asking. If you are asking about adoptive families and birth searches, I am indeed a lucky one. If you are asking about careers and drive, I am an unlucky one.
I have never had drive to be special…never had the drive to get a great job and drive a nice car. A nice car would be awesome to own, but I have never done the work to earn one on my own. Money has never driven me.
So as I find myself searching for a new career, I can’t help but be steered towards jobs that will be fulfilling to me, but not to my wallet. I don’t love money or what it can do for me. I don’t envy people with money or the way they can spend it. My family and friends (and my puppy) make me happy and fulfilled. My family could have absolutely nothing and I would still be content with the life I have been given. This is the plight I am consumed with right now. Does being this selfless make me an unlucky adoptee or a lucky adoptee?
I am jealous of the adoptees who have reunions with parents who can use their cell phones properly. Those adoptees whose parents can use kakotalk. My birth mom can use her smartphone, but only to call you 30 times back to back until you have no choice, but to turn your own phone off. She is a unique blend of alcoholism and mental instability that makes you want to fist pump her one moment and punch her throat in another. She’s my mom in some ways and a stranger in most ways. A story most people don’t understand. I was in a meeting with the President and the Head of Post- adoption services of Eastern Social Welfare Society and my birth mom called me 5 times that hour. I turned to the women and I apologized. “My mom has called me nonstop all day….like 20 times just today,” I said as the words dripped from my lips. Both women smiled and the President said, “oh she is being a typical mom I see.” No….
However, as quirky as my birth mom is….I have a birth mom who wants a relationship. So am I unlucky or am I lucky? Again, it depends on what question you are asking. Tons and tons of adoptees would love to have found their birth families as easy as I did. I can only imagine how my reunion sounds on paper to others and how they long for such an experience. In this way, I am very lucky. However, if you ask if the situation is ideal, I can’t consider myself lucky. The situation is pure insanity.
I have a lot on my plate…..a lot of screaming words bouncing off my skull when i am conscious. When I dream, I am plagued with unresolved issues that cause me to grind my teeth until blood is drawn. Sometimes I wish I could rest my brain. Doesn’t my brain get exhausted from constantly analyzing situations? Maybe I am unresolved myself. I have dreams and hopes that I cannot reach with this mindset.
Today I realized I have no friends….I have an amazing boyfriend, but no friends. I don’t have these urges often, but today I wanted to find someone to go to a concert. I searched my phone followed by my Facebook and realized that I have absolutely no one in my area, available in my life, to just call and hang out with.
I have never someone decorate my locker in high school or throw me a surprise party. I have never had a friend go out of their way for me or do something simply because I wanted to do it. I have been this person for so many people. I sacrifice my time, and my efforts for everyone around me, but realized I have no friends who would do this for me. My best friend didn’t even know I went to Korea. All I want is a ‘real-life’ friend who would go out of their way for me. Who would do as much for me as I would do for them….I have never had this so what kind of life am I living?
So am I one of the lucky ones or one of the unlucky ones? I can’t answer this question b/c I think it depends on what you are asking. It all depends on what you want to know….